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DE

THE BOOK

SO WHAT?

Fearless Protagonists. Ruthless Rivals. Endless Descriptions of Needless Stuff.
Merciless Narrators and Helpless Readers.

EVERTHING A BOOK NEEDS AND SO MUCH MORE.

BOOK EXCERPT 1

[...]
Maloo’s office was not what you might call an ordinary office. In fact, it was a vast primeval cavern hewn into the rock far below NussKrøkant with the trappings of an alchemist’s lair and a touch of the lost Library of Lozenge. The walls leading down the stairs were plastered with warning signs reading “CAUTION: BOOBY TRAPS!!!” or “TRESPASSERS WILL BE FED TO THE DRAGON.”

The beast in question, a grumpy-looking Niierulan Wonzdragon, dangled inertly from the ceiling. Ray had never figured out if it was a stuffed hunting trophy or just an extremely laid-back pet. Hulky cabinets, massive armoires and towering shelves cluttered the walls, crammed with ancient-looking tomes, scrolls and mysterious apparatuses, jars containing shriveled homunculi, as well as some of the usual skulls and dubious-looking liquids in dust-covered flagons.

At the center of an enormous, intricate Gombragram*, a gargantuan desk hewn from massive black CorcanZeery Rock rose directly out of the floor. Several strangely organic-looking screens and levers were worked into the monolithic piece of furniture. Enthroned behind it was the Matron Superior of the Secret Order of Sam Pappinger.

Despite this title, it would probably not occur to you to call Maloo Rulez matronly. Mostly because she would respond to this by felling you with a roundhouse kick or whacking you about the head with a demonology grimoire. But also, because her entire being screamed bird of prey rather than mother hen. Maloo was very tall and thin, almost verging on haggard. If you wanted to dare guess at her age, you would probably place her somewhere in the second fifty percent of a century. Her chalk-white bowl cut, not a hair out of place, perched majestically above her unruly, expressive eyebrows and her beak-like nose. And her beady, bespectacled eyes were currently piercing through Ray’s composure like a cutlass through overcooked broccoli.

“Sit. You know what I think, Mr. Morgon?”
Ray sat down on a big, gnarly root sprouting from the rocky floor right in front of the desk. “Sorry I’m late, Matron Superior. You see, I was at the dentist’s, and…” Ray sputtered.
“I think I shall have to buy a new red pencil!” Maloo continued, ignoring Ray’s exculpations.
[...]

CHAPTER I

»BY ORDER OF THE ORDER«

* Footnote: Gombragram. An ornate, complicated symmetrical seven-sided polygon chalked, etched, or engraved into a floor or ceiling. Depending on its creator’s particular leanings, a Gombragram can be used to either ward off or summon demonic entities. Or to make a boring floor looking more interesting. (Omniscient Narrator’s Note)

BOOK EXCERPT 2

[...]
Glumby stared at the huge, pulsating pores cratering the Croccyllus’s green skin, at his yellow eyes glowing in the wafting smoke. Suddenly, Glumby remembered something. He took off his shoes, placed them on the vehicle’s foot mat along with his socks, put his feet up on the dashboard, and began to trim his toenails with a tiny, rusty nail clipper.
“That’s disgusting, Glumby.” For a short, indignant second, the Croquette Creeper even forgot to puff on his croquette.
“Yes, boss.”
“Remove this mess at once. Put your shoes back on. And for Croc’s sake, Glumby – put on your bloody shoebox.”
“Sure, boss. I’m right on it,” Glumby responded, sweeping crescent-shaped nail trimmings from the seat.
“That’s not what I call ‘removing a mess,’ Glumby. Clean your bodily waste products away properly. Don’t just relocate them.”
Under the Croquette Creeper’s corrosively observant gaze, Glumby sighed, opened the glove compartment, took out the mini dimension sucker (disguised as a hand-held vacuum cleaner), switched it to the lowest setting, and sucked the toenails into another dimension, where they presumably became someone else’s problem. Then, he put his shoes back on and pulled the shoebox down over his face.
“And what do we do now?”
“Now we wait,” the Croquette Creeper snarled between puffs.
Glumby peered through the RollsRocket’s windshield. They were parked in a dark back street. Because parking was cheaper there.
[...]

CHAPTER IV

»ALLEGRO DON NOTTO«

BOOK EXCERPT 3

[…]
The fire had reached the remaining beer kegs. A raging inferno flooded the dungeon.
I ran.
Behind me a roiling tsunami of blazing beer and scorched zombies.
In front of me, a slippery, uneven floor.
I stumbled, careened to the floor, but throwing my leg up at an impossible angle, I managed to careen up again. Onwards. And preferably upwards.
There! A flight of stairs!
Hurling myself forward, I grabbed the rusty railing and swung myself
up over the first couple of steps.
Not a second too early.
A seething howl.
The beer flames licked just past my feet.
But through some demonic intelligence, they noticed and flooded back towards me – and then started to bubble up the stairs!
I hurried up the steps.
A trap door blocked my way. Locked!

I rammed my shoulder against the metal-studded wood at full tilt.
It creaked but refused to budge even an inch.
Of course.
This wasn’t wood!
I stared at the dark brown surface. Mocha steel. All of a sudden, I realized that the creaking sound had not come from the door…
Distractedly resetting my dislocated shoulder, I stared back at the encroaching beer flames and then at the damned door lock again. My forearm was throbbing and bleeding profusely from where the LP had sliced into it.
Hurriedly, I stabbed the #9 on my belt.
My little Heatalot appeared, but its display blinked red. The tanks were almost empty.
The air was growing hotter by the second. To make things worse, it also seemed to contain less and less oxygen.
I bounced backwards, pressed #3, and fired.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
The bullets thundered out of my Dooley 90mm Automatic.
Startled, the lock fluttered out of its Mocha steel frame.
[…]

CHAPTER V

»SENSELESS BRUTALITY, PART I«

GIMMICKS INCLUDED IN THE PRINT EDITION

MAPS

Foldable. Four-color. Fundamental.

STUFF

Very plot corrobative.

ENYCLOPEDIA

Essential. Elementary. Entertaining.

NEWSPAPERS

Even more plot corrobative.

MORE STUFF

Because World-Building and stuff.

BOOKMARK

Since is so well designed.

BOOK EXCERPT 4

[…]
“A simple method to inconvenience the undead and unholy. Something in the cadence severely irritates their aural orifices.” Ray answered.
He gently led Miss Hoople back to the table and helped her sit down on the couch. She nodded wanly when he held a glass of water up to her lips and took a small sip. Then she took the glass in her own unsteady hands, which freed Ray to stand up and take a step back.
Luckily.
He didn’t know how much longer he would have been able to endure the proximity of this perfect, agitated female body. Sooner or later, Miss Hoople might have wondered about the metaphysical probability of a ghost banana possessing the front of Ray’s pants.
Ray felt quite ashamed of himself.
For a second, anyway.
Miss Hoople was fussing over her hair, trying to straighten it back into submission. Ray noticed her ears were quite flushed. She probably was a little embarrassed by all of this, too, he supposed. Or maybe also even… a bit… um?
He cleared his throat.
“Yes, well. That was quite clearly a Translucent Person. Quite clearly, yes. Ha, ha. But he won’t come back, don’t worry,” he said, his hand sneaking out to pat her reassuringly on the back and recoiling when he realized he was about to touch her again and that was probably not a very good idea at all.
Of course, though, it had not been a Translucent Person.
Nor had it been fog fantasms, or any close or distant relation of them.
That much was clear.
What was entirely unclear, unfortunately, was what it had been.
Ray had faced down ghosts and spirits of all shapes and sizes (and even colors). He had even once met a Translucent Person. Nice guy, actually. But he had never before experienced something like… this. But he wasn’t going to tell that to Miss Hoople, naturally. He didn’t want to upset the poor dear any further.
[…]

CHAPTER VII

»DEALING WITH DANGER. SMILING WITH SIN.«

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